


Twinkies and Bears

by PBJellie



Category: South Park
Genre: Fluff, Humor, Kid Fic, M/M, Misunderstandings, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-08-10 21:42:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20142433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PBJellie/pseuds/PBJellie
Summary: Craig falls off the swings and has insights about Tweek's true nature, aided by Cartman. Meanwhile the girls make calls about how the boys will be when they're older





	Twinkies and Bears

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally for a zine, but having since dropped out, figured I'd post it here. Enjoy.

Swinging was Craig Tucker's favorite thing.

Or maybe being pushed on the swings by Tweek was his favorite thing. 

Or it could have been the look on Lola's face when he kicked his shoe off mid flight and it hit her square in her dumb girl butt. 

Many things were Craig's favorite thing, and this moment had lots of them. 

"You kick like a girl," she sneered, looking back with her face all pinched up. "I bet you aren't even a bear." 

"You're, _ gah _ , a bear?" Tweek shouted, pushing him too hard. That was not one of Craig Tucker's favorite things. There were good coasting altitudes and then there was the point where the swing jumped off the chains. He didn't like that at all, and if PC Principal had imposed one thing on his fragile ten-year-old mind in the last year of private counseling sessions, it was how important communication was to any relationship. 

"Stop, I don't like that," Craig droned. They had each been taught about the importance of eye contact, so, mid air, he turned to look at Tweek. 

Unfortunately when he looked at Tweek, he slid off the swing and crashed to the ground at the top of his arc. The sky was perfectly blue as he plummeted to the ground 

It was also perfectly blue when he woke up. Tweek hovered above him, with most of the 4th grade boys watching with bated breath. He could hear a snicker from Lizzy, saying that he got what he deserved for kicking a girl. He tried to say that she was a fat bitch, but before he could open his mouth, Tweek was screaming. 

"I didn't know, man! I didn't know you were a bear! I didn't know! How was I supposed to,  _ gah _ , how was I supposed to know that? You should have told me! That's,  _ nnn _ , that's not supposed to be a secret! Good couples, they, they don't keep secrets!" Craig opened his mouth again, but Tweek just ripped at his hair. "They don't! Oh God, we're gonna break up. You're a bear, it'd never work. Bears! Bears they, man, they eat people! You're gonna eat me!" 

"Tweek, you cheeky devil," Cartman smirked, coming into Craig's view. He was fat enough to block out the rest of the crowd as he inched closer and eventually elbowed Tweek out of the way. "What an evil boyfriend, pushing poor defenseless Craig off the swings like that. Right, guys?" 

No one said anything. The only thing Craig could hear was the soft chorus of ' _ oh God no _ ' coming from Tweek. 

"I'm not a bear," Craig said, turning to look at Tweek. His head ached. 

"Yeah!" Bebe shouted from somewhere in the crowd. "If anyone is a bear, it's Tweek. Craig is a twink, at best. Anyways, they have to be a cubs, because they're not old enough." 

"Oh no," Cartman interjected, putting his hands on Craig's shoulders. "You're evil devil boyfriend is casting a spell to turn you into a bear right now, Craig. What are you gonna do? You gonna just take that?" 

"Pillow princess!" One of the girls yelled. Craig wasn't paying enough attention to piece together where the shout came from, not over the pounding of his head. 

Was this what being turned into a bear felt like?

His hands were kind of tingly. Was he growing claws? He flexed his fingers in front of himself and let his tongue trace over his teeth. They didn't feel sharper, but maybe bears tongues weren't as sensitive. Craig didn't know all that much about bears. 

Tweek kept talking, chanting to himself as Craig watched. His vision was kind of fuzzy, with little black spots coming in and out of focus. Were bears blind? Usually, if an animal couldn't see, then they could smell really good. All Craig could smell was Cartman, but it was a clear scent. He could smell the Cheesy Poof crumbs on his hands, and his sweat, and his breath floated down as he panted in and out through his mouth. 

"Tweek, you're not allowed to turn me into a bear," Craig said with the slightest bit of an edge to his voice. "Tweek," he warned. 

"What? I'm not! I'm not, I'd never! I'd never turn you into a bear. They eat people, they eat people, man. I don't wanna die!" 

"Turn him into a twink!" Bebe shouted. "For the love of God, make him a twink." 

Craig wasn't sure what a twink was, and why Bebe sounded so excited for him to be one. He didn't like that as he looked at Tweek he kept chanting under his breath. Was he going to be a twink? Was that a good thing? 

"Uh oh, sounds like there's trouble in paradise," Cartman laughed. "Tweek's gonna turn you into a Twinkie so he can eat you. Should have let him made you a bear, that would have been the smart plan. It's a eat or be eaten world." 

"I don't wanna be a cannibal!" Tweek screamed, running off across the schoolyard. Craig could hear him as he ran away, and maybe that was a residual side effect from being a bear. He wasn't sure.

"He put a spell on you," Clyde said, shoving Cartman out of Craig's sight. To be honest, Craig was a little miffed no one had asked how he was. He had fallen off of the swings, or maybe his evil boyfriend pushed him off; it was hard to tell at this point, but no one was checking if he was hurt or not. 

"He's a devil. What do you expect, Clyde? The goddamn tooth fairy?" Cartman shoved him back, using his body as a battering ram. Being the second fattest in the grade was not the same as being the fattest, and Clyde fell to the ground. 

Craig snickered as Clyde started crying before he was even down. What a baby.   
  
“We should do an exorcism. So we all don’t get turned into Twinkies and bears,” Kevin said.    
  
“You’re not gonna be either. You’re gonna be like an otter, or some other lame thing. Or worse, a straight boy.” Bebe laughed like she’d just made a great joke. To Craig, being an Otter didn’t sound great, either. He wanted to just be boring Craig Tucker and not be eaten or have to eat anyone.    
  
Why couldn’t his boyfriend respect those boundaries?    
  
“This is dumb,” Craig heard Token over the din of the boys shouting amongst themselves about what animals would be cool and which would be lame. All the girls did agree that Kevin would be something lame like an otter. “I’m gonna play soccer.”    
  
“Fine!” Cartman yelled. “Just sit back as Tweek turns us into a zoo! You’ll be sorry. You’ll all be sorry! We need to take action! Action!” The boys cheered as Cartman lifted his hands into the air.    
  
The group stormed across the playground, and still no one had checked to see if Craig was alright. He’d remember this. They were all a bunch of assholes. Not even Tweek had helped him.    
  
Instead of help, Tweek had tried to turn him into a bear and a Twinkie with his magic powers. Craig felt like himself, but maybe the witchcraft had dulled his senses. Tweek did dress up as a witch for Halloween, even though everyone else planned to do Fortnite. Who didn’t want to do Fortnite?   
  
Apparently demons.   
  
“Craig! Gah! Help! Help! What? Stop it!” Tweek yelled above the noise of the boys.    
  
Craig stood up, because finally someone was paying attention to him again. He was the one who fell. Cartman was such an attention hog; he could make any misfortune benefit him. And maybe Tweek was a devil, but he was his devil.    
  
He blushed, feeling suddenly embarrassed with how mushy and gross he had gotten. He was attached to a demon, one who had tried to turn him into a bear. At the end of the day though, Tweek was his devil, and maybe being a bear would be cool.    
  
If Tweek had talked to him, and asked, hey, do you want to be a bear? Maybe Craig would have said yes. Maybe they could be bears together and do bear stuff in the woods. He already liked to climb trees, and one time, when he was camping, a bear ripped up the garbage. Making a big mess other people had to clean sounded pretty sweet, and it sounded even better if he was doing it with Tweek.    
  
He followed the sound of Tweek shrieking until he got to the mob of boys circling the water spigot. Cartman was standing on a plastic tub, throwing his arms in the air as he praised God.    
  
“The Lord,” he emphasized the D, closing his eyes and shaking his head as he kept his hands high, “the Lord, he is powerful! He is an almighty God! He will cleanse the Devil from our school, if you believe! Believe, and give me five dollars, and we will be saved!”   
  
“Jesus Christ!”    
  
“That’s right! Jesus Christ! Our Lord! The demon is saying the lord’s name, just everyone pass up your five dollars, pass up five dollars and the Lord will bless this water and we can cleanse his soul.” Cartman held his hand out as Clyde and Kenny pinned Tweek to the wall.    
  
“This is dumb,” Craig said, making eye contact with Cartman. He glared in return, gesturing to the crowd and the stack of money Kyle was collecting. “This is still dumb.”    
  
“Craig, you’re no fun,” Stan said. Craig didn’t really care what Cartman and Stan thought, since they were part of the worst group of fourth grade boys to ever exist.    
  
“This is no fun,” Craig countered, pushing through the crowd to get to Tweek. Kenny let go almost instantaneously, and Clyde let go after Craig stomped on his foot. He started crying, again, but he didn’t care when Craig was hurt, so why should Craig care for him?    
  
“Craig! They were gonna pour water on me! Water, man! In the winter! It’s cold! I’d freeze! I’d be a popsicle! They’d have to put me in the microwave to thaw and then I’d get cancer! I’d die! I’d die of cancer because of them!” Craig nodded sympathetically, even thought that was some of the wildest rational he’d heard this week.    
  
“Tweek, I don’t care if you’re a demon or not.” He cleared his throat as the group gathered closer. “But I do care if you respect my boundaries. We need to have open and honest communication, and if we’re going to be bears, we’re going to decide that together, okay?”

The boys groaned as the crowd dispersed. There were a few grumbles about how this was boring, and how Cartman owed them their money back.  The girls seemed especially hurt.

  
Craig took Tweek’s hand and walked back to the swings as Cartman explained that there were no refunds.


End file.
